My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Randomize
