On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
