her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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