the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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