Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Randomize
