i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
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