He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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