That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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