She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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