Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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