sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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