Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
