he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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