If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
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