My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
