Fine. I'll sleep in my office
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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