Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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