so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
