grandma shit on top of the toilet
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
