She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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