I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
