Dude my mom stole all your condoms
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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