She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I skipped work to stalk him.
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
