Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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