The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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