apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
