My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
