My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Randomize
