Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
