so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
