and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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