im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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