I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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