True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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