hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
