i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
