I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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