I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
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