I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Randomize
