So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
