Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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