how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Randomize
