I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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