is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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