Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
