hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
