Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
