Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
