I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
