Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Randomize
