My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
